KANIS MAJORIS N°. 10
MAY 2025
INTRO
HM, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT
MARKO POLO
LIFE, ETC.
CONSISTENTLY CLICHÉD #3 / MORE FILM REVIEWS / AN ANALYSIS OF FIGHT CLUB / SOME AMAZING MOVIES FROM THE ‘70s AND ‘80s / RIDDLES #10 / CHATTING WITH AN AI-BASED AGENT / GUESS THESE MOVIES #5
FINALE
CAN I GET A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT? I KNOW MY FLIGHT’S IN TWELVE HOURS, BUT I NEED TIME TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THE JET LAG.
Back in the 1960s, the MetLife Building in New York City used to be the PanAm building, as in Pan American Airlines, and the building featured a helipad on the roof. The idea was that passengers flying out of New York would, instead of getting in a taxi or riding the subway, take the elevator to the top of the PanAm building and fly in a helicopter from the roof of the building all the way to JFK airport and then catch their flight from there.
This was, of course, for the more rich and famous. Although Pan American Airlines is now no longer in business, travelling luxuriously still exists in today’s world. Business class seats, first class seats. Seats that aren’t even seats, but instead more like mini-apartment-cubicle things with a flat-screen TV, a shower, and a bed you can lie down on. Luxury cruise cabins and train compartments that look like they’re straight out of a Wes Anderson movie.
But, on the flip side, travel can also be cheap. You can backpack around the world, visiting every corner of the globe with very little money — but the amount of patience you would need to have with that kind of thing makes me feel like, personally, that style of travelling is not really for me. Staying in hostels or couchsurfing with a bunch of strangers, taking a twelve-hour bus ride to get from one place to another, eating inexpensively with local and unfamiliar food. I’d rather spend a little more to get at least a decent hotel and choose the path of least resistance when it comes to long-haul travel. I don’t mean to be a complete travel snob, but I just see comfort being an essential part of travel. I travel to relax and have fun, not to get stressed about being limited to only one option for food because of a lack of funds or having to sleep on the airport floor because I can’t afford a hotel.
People always talk about how they would love to travel more, but it’s so expensive that it’s not really doable. And it is, I guess, when you compare it to how much it was back in the year nineteen-whatever when you could get a ticket to go on a ship for next to nothing [1] and go across an ocean or hitchhike on the back of a cattle cart and cross from one country into the next without having to worry about what visa you have to apply for.
People also talk about more recent times, maybe a few decades ago, when gas and airfare prices were much more affordable. But also, in those days, when you travelled, you pretty much only had one option: go to a travel agent and book your ticket. Now, of course, we don’t need to do all that since we have a myriad of apps and websites that are built to do all the leg work and give you, within seconds, all the best deals from a variety of websites, airlines and agents. So, yes, we do have to deal with more of a messed up economy and ever-rising inflation and living costs than, perhaps, what previous generations had to, but at least we have these things that make our lives a little easier. Having said that, there are other things that are harder now than they were before. Airport security, for example. The envy I feel when I’m watching a movie from the ‘80s or ‘90s where people just waltz right up to the gate and stroll straight onto the plane is unreal. Like the scene in Home Alone where they’re rushing to the airport to catch their flight to Paris. If that movie had been set in 2025, they never would have made it as a result of having to deal with some overly-helpful self-service check-in machine that keeps asking for your phone number, a security section that doesn’t allow anything through (unless it’s in a small, clear plastic bag in which case it’s all good) and you get berated if you don’t take your laptop or tablet out of your bag before you put it on the belt, an endless array of gates where there’s gate C16, followed by C17, then C18, then an entire shopping mall before gate C19 and, finally, when they’d have arrived at the gate, they’d have to go through yet another security (I’ve seen it happen in some airports) and have their boarding passes (which is just a weird-looking barcode on a smartphone) checked and scanned before getting on the plane.
Speaking of Paris, there’s this thing called “Paris syndrome” where tourists travelling to Paris get a sudden culture shock and feel like Paris in reality is not quite what they had imagined, perhaps in comparison to the idealised images of Paris they had seen. It was very notable amongst Japanese tourists and Paris syndrome is known as Pari shōkōgun [2] in Japanese.
I have actually been to Paris and although I understand where these ideas are coming from, I didn’t feel such a culture shock. Maybe because I’m from London and the two cities are quite similar in terms of vibe and size (in my opinion, anyway). I did, however, find that the Eiffel Tower was a lot bigger than I expected. I’m not sure why, but I thought it would be a tiny little thing when in reality it is a gigantic metal structure that allows for some really cool views when you get to the top.
Come on in, make yourself at home. Feel free to leave your coat anywhere, although the piñata might start chewing on it, so watch out.
I don’t know, actually. Was it like that back then? I mean I just remember Leonardo di Caprio winning his ticket to the Titanic in a card game in the movie Titanic. So, I guess it was worth a lot?
Yes, that’s Japanese. Well, it’s not Japanese using Japanese characters, but instead the romanised version of Japanese known as Hepburn. It’s the main way to use Latin (hence “romanisation”) letters to transliterate Japanese by also keeping the pronunciation as accurate as possible.
i don’t see any dragons. are we on the right mountain?
I remember learning at school in geography class that mountains are formed when the plates beneath us that form the landmasses we live on — also known as tectonic plates — smoosh together and crumple, like when two cars smash into each other and the front gets all bent out of shape. I guess that makes sense, right?
I suppose so. But mountains can be a lot more than the by-product of two plates having a sumo wrestling match. Mountains are known to have had great cultural or religious significance. Like Mt. Sumeru in Buddhist cosmology, which is an ideological mountain thought of as the center of the universe. Mt. Fuji in Japan is featured in the series of prints known as Thirty-six Views of Mount Fuji, of which the most famous is The Great Wave off Kanagawa — that’s right, the one with the big wave and the small wooden boats looking as if they’re about to be lost to the ocean. And yes, if you look carefully, Mt. Fuji can be seen right in the centre.
Let’s name some famous mountains. There are the Alps in Europe, which span from Monaco to Slovenia and the highest of which is Mont Blanc on the border between France and Italy. Next, we have the Himalayas which span from the top of Pakistan through India, Nepal, Bhutan and China. The highest peak in the Himalayas is, of course, the famous Everest which technically isn’t the tallest mountain in the world — as we talked about way back in Kanis Majoris No. 2 — but it is pretty darn high. The first documented people to climb to the peak were Tenzing Norgay and Edmund Hillary in 1953, although there is a bit of a dispute regarding who the first people were to get to the top of the mountain known in Tibetan as Chomolungma. As seen in the YouTube video The Everest Discrepancy by EmpLemon, the first people to climb to the peak may have actually been George Mallory and Andrew Irvine back in 1924. They were seen near the top, clambering their way to the peak before a storm hit and they were never seen again [1].
In South America, there’s the mountain range known as the Andes, which spreads down pretty much the entire length of the continent. A town in the mountains of Peru called La Rinconada is known as the settlement with the highest altitude in the world. It is so high, in fact, that it has 50% less oxygen than at sea level.
In the mountains of Hong Kong, behind the glimmering stacks of concrete that are the skyline-forming buildings of the city, live some very special creatures.
Dragons.
These dragons, according to local beliefs, swoop down from the mountains and go through the city to the bay that Hong Kong overlooks. In order for the buildings to not be in the way of the dragons reaching the water, many buildings in Hong Kong have holes cut out of them, so that the dragons can reach the water undisturbed.
This is all related to the Chinese concept of feng shui, which you may have heard of when people are talking about how they’d like to arrange their bedroom in a specific way or something like that. In Hong Kong, they take it up a few notches, to the point where buildings are designed and built in a way that complies with the concept of feng shui and allows for good luck and prosperity to flow.
Another mountain that’s associated with a dragon is Mt. Pilatus in Switzerland. I actually went there when I was about eight and the myth goes that centuries ago a dragon crash-landed onto the mountain. Then, also in Switzerland, there are the caves overlooking Lake Thun which were said to have a dragon living in them as well as a different lake in eastern Switzerland known as Lai dal Dragun [2], which is also said to have been inhabited by a dragon.
Coincidence? Who knows. Maybe there are actually invisible dragons flying around the place and we just don’t see them. Or maybe we just don’t want to.
Did they make it? Who knows. Although since their disappearance there has been a lot of debate as to whether they did make it or not, and become, in fact, the first people to get there like twenty-nine years before Hillary and Norgay, it generally seems unlikely. But who knows. I should probably also mention that their possessions and equipment have been found over the years since and, in 1999, the body of George Mallory was found several hundred metres below the peak of the mountain. More recently, in late 2024, some of Andrew Irvine’s remains were found around 2,000 metres below where Mallory’s body was found twenty-five years prior.
Which means “Dragon Lake” and comes from Romansch, the fourth official language in Switzerland alongside German, Italian and French.
IT’S A NUMBER THAT GOES ON FOREVER, BUT HOW EXACTLY DO WE KNOW IT GOES ON FOREVER IF NO ONE’S EVER SEEN THE ENDING?
Shapes are fun, right? When it came to geometry, it was always the one part of maths I actually always enjoyed. There’s that visual aspect to it with the angles, the circles or even a trapezoid [1] or two which makes it feel real rather than it just being an abstract bunch of equations and formulas that you’re supposed to know how to use.
You may remember this from school: how to work out the area and the perimeter. Do you remember the difference? Well, let’s say you have a garden and you want to pave it with tiles or grow some grass to make a lawn. If your garden was rectangular-shaped, you’d just measure the length and the width, multiply the two numbers together, and, hey presto, you got yourself an area. And then if you wanted to put a fence around your space, you’d just measure all the way around and that would give you a perimeter. Simple, right?
It’s all well and good for quadrilaterals (four-sided shapes) like a square, a rectangle or a rhombus [2] with nice straight lines. Even if you had something like an L-shaped polygon (a fancy word for a shape with three or more sides), the only extra step would be to break the shape into two smaller shapes which were rectangular in form and then go from there. Triangles can be a little tricker, but it’s also not too difficult to work out the area or perimeter. Even a chiliagon [3] would be manageable, although it might take you a while. But what about a circle? How do you work out the area of a shape that just has one big, curved line?
This is where we use a little something known as pi. Yes, the one that looks like this: π.
Hold on, hold on. What exactly is pi?
Pi is just a number. A very specific number that is somewhere between 3 and 4. It’s so specific, in fact, that it has an infinite amount of decimal places.
Wait, what?
Imagine this. You’re looking at a number line, like in primary school maths, and it goes from 0 on one end up to 10 or 20 or whatever you’re counting up to on the other end. Now imagine you’re looking at 3 and 4 on this number line. There’s a whole load of empty space between 3 and 4, isn’t there? Now imagine zooming in, so you get closer to that empty space and you’ll see that the empty space between 3 and 4 isn’t so empty after all.
There are decimal numbers in that space, like 3.1, 3.2, 3.3 and so on. But then the thing about decimals is, as you get closer, they become more and more detailed. So, if you zoom in, you’ll see the numbers between the numbers: 3.11, 3.12, 3.13.
Closer still and the decimals will keep getting longer: 3.111, 3.112, 3.113… and so on, and so forth until you get a number that’s so long that it goes on forever.
So, going back to pi, it’s basically just an infinitely specific number somewhere between 3 and 4 that starts like this: 3.14159265359… and then it goes on from there.
But how does this relate to a circle?
Pi basically represents the relationship between a circle’s diameter (its width through the centre) and its circumference (the perimeter) [4]. The ratio between these two things is where pi is used. To calculate the perimeter of a circle, multiply the diameter with pi. To calculate the area, half the diameter (to get the radius), square the radius (multiply it by itself once) and then multiply it by pi. Simply put, it’s both mesmerising and mind-boggling.
Infinity is really hard to wrap your head around. Like what is forever? How can a number go on and on and on and never end? How can us mere mortals be expected to understand all this without our brains imploding?
Infinity is thought of in mathematics as more of a theoretical thing. Because, sure, it’s a never-ending set of numbers, but it’s not as clear-cut as that. What exactly does being “never-ending” mean?
There’s this thing called Hilbert’s paradox of the Grand Hotel. It goes like this: There’s a hotel with an infinite amount of rooms. It starts from Room 1 and goes on all the way to Room Infinity. There is a guest in every single one of the rooms, so the hotel is fully-booked and all the rooms are full. Now, imagine a new guest comes to the hotel and asks for a room. It sounds impossible, right? The hotel is full, therefore there are no more rooms. But the hotel concierge doesn’t turn the customer away (let’s just say he’s greedy or has good business acumen or something) but instead he just asks all of the guests currently in rooms to move to the room next to them. So the guest in Room 1 would go to Room 2, the one in Room 2 would go to Room 3, etc. And by doing that, Room 1 would now be free and so the new guest can go into that room.
This is all within the possibility of infinity because, well, it’s infinity. There is no end. There is no upper limit on the numbers. Because of that, we can do this over and over. If another new guest comes to the hotel and asks for a room, the concierge would just repeat the process. If fifty new guests came, he could do the same. No matter the number, this would all be within the realm of infinity.
And this is the interesting thing about all of this — even though it all seems counter-intuitive. I mean, how can something that’s full be filled any more?
But that’s the endless, dimension-breaking beauty of infinity.
There are an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and infinity. And there are also an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and 1. It’s hard to wrap your head around it, but that’s how certain mathematical concepts are.
I mean, can’t we just take infinity as it is and just accept that it’s a number that we’ll never reach? I think we should. Because that would just make everything so much more simple.
But that’s not how mathematicians seem to think of it. They think of infinity as having different stages. Counting onwards from zero through every single number up and up and up would give you the “smallest” form of infinity: Aleph Zero [5]. Then, what seems to happen is that more and more hypotheticals are thrown in to make newer and newer levels of infinity. At a certain point, though, things begin to get a little complex, abstract and even a little paradoxical.
For example, Galileo [6] once proposed a way to think about this. Think about all the normal, simple numbers we use every day: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc. Now think about the square numbers (the normal, simple numbers multiplied by themselves): 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, etc (because 1 x 1 = 1, 2 x 2 = 4, 3 x 3 = 9, and so on).
Now, logic and rationale would dictate that, within a pool of infinite numbers going from zero to infinity, there are more normal, simple numbers than square numbers. Because there are so many normal, simple numbers and only a select few of them are square numbers? Right?
But that’s not how it turns out to be. If you pair up every normal number we use every day — like 1, 2 and 3 — with its square — so 1 gets paired up with 1, 2 paired up with 4 and 3 paired up with 9 — you’ll find that they match up, align perfectly and go on forever. Which doesn’t make sense. But it does. It’s like infinity is an ever-expanding cake that no matter how you slice, every piece will be bigger than the entire cake. Isn’t maths weird?
Also known as a trapezium. Not to be confused with a trapeze, though, however the piece of circus equipment was named after the shape. And they all got their name from the Greek word for “table.” Why did I just tell you that? I don’t know. I found out and just thought I’d let you know. Who knows? It might be useful maybe one day in the future when you’re, I don’t know, on some game show and you’re one question away from winning a fortune and you get asked about the etymology of the word “trapezoid”? Then you’ll be thanking me. And as you get the answer right and confetti falls from the ceiling and the overly-energetic host whips out that comically-large cheque with your name on it, you’ll look over and see me in the audience, applauding approvingly. Yeah. One day. Although, do game shows even exist anymore?
Basically a “diamond” shape. And I mean diamond like the shape in a deck of cards, not the gemstone, which is usually represented as a type of pentagon (with five sides).
A shape with 1,000 sides. From far away it looks like a circle, but, of course, once you take a closer look, it isn’t. At least it’s not as insane as a fractal, which is a shape that goes on forever. How, you ask? Search “Mandelbrot set” and you’ll see what I mean.
If you go to the Wikipedia page for pi, you’ll see a great animation that visualises how this works.
Aleph (א) is the first character of the Hebrew abjads. Basically the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. In certain languages, the set of letters is known as an abjad instead of an alphabet because it only contains consonants. Arabic is another example of this, and, funny enough, the first character of the Arabic abjad is also called alif (ا).
Yes, the guy that discovered four of Jupiter’s moons, the phases of Venus and the rings of Saturn. Although, as of now, it’s been discovered that Jupiter has 95 moons.
YOU’RE THINKING TOO MUCH.
THE TROLLEY PROBLEM
A classic in ethics/philosophy/interesting questions to get to know people. Imagine you’re standing near a train track (for whatever reason) and there are five maintenance workers standing on the track, working on something. All of a sudden, you hear the train coming. And it’s heading right towards the maintenance workers, but they don’t hear it coming. You’re the only one there and you frantically look around to see what you can do, when you see one of those lever-switch things that, if pulled, would divert the train away from the workers and onto a different track. The only problem is, on that other track is another maintenance worker. But only one. For this whole situation, you just have to assume that all the workers are not able to see or hear you, nor will you be able to reach them in time before the train comes. The only two options you have are to pull the lever or not to pull the lever. What do you do?
It’s a very interesting question because I think there’s a lot more to it than just a choice between the train hitting five people or just one person. It’s also about accountability. If you pull the lever, sure, you’ve just saved five lives and put one in danger, giving you a net profit of four, but you did also pull the lever. You took an action. And the fate of that one person is decided entirely by that action. If you’d just left the situation alone, you could have just decided to go for inaction and, therefore, maybe not been as accountable? I guess that’s the purpose of this. If you do nothing and cause five people to die, what do you consider that as? Not accountable because none of it was your fault? Or accountable because you were there and had the capacity to do something and didn’t?
SUCCÈS DE SCANDALE
They say any publicity is good publicity. If you’re a business and you emerge onto the market with a new product, only to then find backlash and outcry over your product being a scam or causing damage, it would be terrible — however some would say that even though you’ve got a scandal on your hands, it’s still good because at least it’ll give you exposure. Even if your product gets banned or discontinued, at least people will know who you are because of the incident they’d all heard about. Maybe this is where the term “publicity stunt” comes from?
Succès de scandale describes a piece of art that got its popularity and fame specifically through a scandal. Either it was too provocative or controversial or what have you. I suppose this could also apply to people and brands, where they do something shocking or inappropriate to gain views, likes or notoriety?
LAST THURSDAYISM
This one is really funky. When was the assassination of John F. Kennedy? The eruption of Mt. Tambora ? The birth of the universe? Well, Last Thursdayism says that all of those things happened at the same time: just last Thursday. It sounds wild, but can you actually prove that everything that happened in the past didn’t just appear into existence last week? Or, for that matter, just five minutes ago? How do we know that the past actually happened?
I, personally, don’t subscribe to this theory. I mean, what about my memories about stuff that happened last year, a decade ago or when I was in primary school? Did all of that really not happen? Did I just imagine all of that? You can’t really prove at any given moment that the past really happened, but I guess it’s easier to say that the past did happen than it didn’t. Right? Unless I’m wrong about this whole thing and what you’re reading right now wasn’t actually written by me in the past and actually just materialised into existence a moment ago along with the entire universe. Wow. I think I need some fresh air after all that.
CONFIRMATION BIAS
We all rationalise based on what we know and what we perceive, and whenever I think of confirmation bias, I always think of an episode of Air Crash Investigation I saw once that I think perfectly demonstrates how confirmation bias works. There are these two pilots flying an airplane at night (I think it was somewhere in South America, but I can’t really remember) who feel like they’ve flown off-course and might be a little lost, however, one of the pilots is kind of in denial about being lost. He’s trying to reassure the other pilot that he knows exactly where they are, and, just as he’s doing so, they look out of the window and see a river below them. The first pilot, who still thinks he knows where they are, suddenly says “See, there’s a river. It means that we’re still on track because along our planned route, we were supposed to cross a river. So we’re fine.”
The other pilot is a little skeptical, but they carry on. They expect to start seeing their destination approaching real soon, but they don’t. Instead, all they see is just darkness underneath as far as the eye can see. They begin panicking, but it’s too late. The airplane eventually runs out of fuel and crashes in the rainforest. What had happened was that the pilot, although he was correct that there was, in fact, supposed to be a river along their planned route, the river they saw was not the correct river. It was a different river. They had made a mistake earlier on in the flight and headed in the wrong direction, and when in doubt, the pilots looked out, saw a river and, based on what they already had assumed, came to the conclusion that they were going the right way, when the reality was very different.
THE CHINESE ROOM
I love this one. And I think, with our new, AI-infused world, it’s becoming more and more relevant with every passing day. Here’s how it goes: Imagine a room inside which is a computer that acts as a conversation partner in the Chinese language (I know “Chinese doesn’t really refer to one singular language; it’s a family of languages with various dialects and such, but for the purposes of this thought experiment, let’s just go with it. And it doesn’t have to be Chinese for this to work, either; this could work with any language. But, seeing as this is the Chinese Room, we’ll just roll with Chinese).
This room is completely sealed except for a small slot and if you, standing outside the room, write something in Chinese onto a piece of paper and slide it into the slot, the computer inside the room will, after a few seconds of contemplation, send out, through the same slot, a sheet of paper with a response to what you said also written in Chinese. Now, the kicker here is that let’s say there isn’t a computer in there, let’s say that inside that room is actually a person who doesn’t actually speak or understand Chinese. But, inside the room with them, they have a comprehensive, extensive manual of how to form words and sentences in Chinese. When something comes through on a sheet of paper, they use the information they have to put together a response that, when outputted, seems like a perfectly intelligible and appropriate response to you, someone who speaks Chinese, even though they themselves don’t actually understand what you said or even what they themselves responded with.
This is interesting because it relates to AI and how they operate when we interact with them. When you ask an AI a question, does it actually understand or does it just know how to respond to what you said? And is there a difference between the two?
It’s kind of like Mary’s Room, which we talked about last time. Because the real thinker here is, okay, sure, maybe the AIs we speak to aren’t actually comprehending what we’re saying in the same way that humans understand each other. But what is understanding? What does it mean? If a human learns a language that they’re completely foreign to, how is that different to when an AI learns to communicate with a human? In both cases, they’re both “checking the manual” to see how to respond in a conversation. Right? When you’ve learned a language that’s foreign to you, and you work yourself up to conversational level, how do you actually process the language when you’re conversing with a native speaker? Do we process it in the same way as the person stuck in the Chinese Room (imagine that as a job, by the way) or do we actually build an understanding where we can process thoughts in the same way that we would in our native language? Is there something more with us humans where we have a sense of comprehension, feeling and emotion? Hmm. Let’s circle back to that one.
THE BARBER PARADOX
In a village where the men don’t shave themselves, there is only one barber who cuts everyone’s hair. The question is: who cuts the barber’s hair?
It might seem like a bit of a pointless question, but this is a classic example of a paradox. If there’s a rule established and then there’s something in that rule that doesn’t follow, it upends the entire rule itself. In this case, the premise is that in the village of men that don’t shave themselves there is a barber who cuts everyone’s hair. Given this, if the barber cuts his own hair, then it breaks the rule of this being the village where men don’t shave themselves. If there’s another barber, then it breaks the rule of the barber cutting everyone’s hair.
Another — and, in my opinion, more interesting — paradox that’s kind of similar is the liar’s paradox. If a liar says: “I am lying,” it creates a paradox. Because if they are lying when they said they would, then they were telling the truth. But if they lied about lying, then they aren’t actually lying and are, in fact, telling the truth. So, what do we do with all this? I actually have no idea. Although, I guess if you think about it, the village in which the men don’t shave themselves might get themselves shaven (is that the right word?) by the women in the village. Wait, that would still break the rules. Or maybe they get their hair and beards trimmed by the men in another village. No, wait, that still breaks the rules. Oh, I got it! Maybe the barber doesn’t cut his hair. We all know hair doesn’t grow forever (neither head hair nor body hair) so he could just get away with braiding it up and getting on with life. There we go. We did it. We cracked that one. High five.
Known as the most powerful volcano eruption in recorded history. It happened in 1815 on the island of Sumbawa in Indonesia and it was so intense that it affected the climate around the world for the next three years. The year following the eruption, 1816, is known mainly in Europe as “The Year Without a Summer,” because of the catastrophic effects the event had.
You might be aware of Traditional Chinese and Simplified Chinese. They’re listed separately on Google Translate and they’re basically writing systems to read the Chinese languages. Simplified Chinese was brought about in the 1950s when the Chinese government at the time introduced a simpler, more standardised writing system to increase literacy.
AND COMING UP ON OUR LEFT, THE BEST several-HUNDRED-METREs-TALL MONUMENT IN TOWN.
From my personal experience, visiting landmarks can be a bit of a mixed bag. They’ll either be really disappointing, better than you expected, kind of boring or overrated or, in some cases, actually end up becoming the highlight of your entire trip.
I’ve talked before about my visit to the Pyramids in Egypt and how tall they really are in person (see Kanis Majoris No. 4). Visiting something as large and as old as that is a surreal experience because it’s pretty much impossible to stand there in the sand in front of the Great Pyramid of Giza and actually, realistically, visualise and wrap your head around how much history has actually gone by with these Pyramids still standing.
For me, the Pyramids were actually better than I expected. It’s also impressive that, for about 3,800 years, the Great Pyramid held the top rank for the tallest thing humans had built. The record was only broken in the 14th century with Lincoln Cathedral in England.
Another thing that once held that rank for being the tallest thing humans had ever built was the Empire State Building in New York (which I’ve also talked about previously, see Kanis Majoris No. 5). I would say, for me, this was probably one of the best landmark experiences I’ve ever had.
About forty years before the Empire State Building, however, the structure that held the rank for being the tallest thing built by humans was the Eiffel Tower. As I mentioned in the intro, the Eiffel Tower was a pleasant surprise for me as it’s actually quite a fun experience offering panoramic views from the top that makes waiting in the long queues worth it, I would say.
Despite the fact that the Eiffel Tower was actually originally intended to be a temporary structure for the 1889 World’s Fair, I’d say the Eiffel Tower is a cornerstone — maybe even a landmark — of the Paris experience [1]. At least, it was for me.
Another, much lesser-known landmark in Europe is Arco da Rua Augusta in Lisbon, Portugal [2]. This is an archway that kind of reminds me of Marble Arch in London, although this one’s a lot larger.
It’s apparently supposed to commemorate the rebuilding of Lisbon after an earthquake in 1755 destroyed most of the city and killed tens of thousands of people and is now the entranceway to Rue Augusta, a busy shopping area, from Praça do Comércio, a vast plaza that overlooks the River Tagus.
Speaking of Lisbon, there’s another lesser-known landmark that lives there, although this one is actually well-known, but the famous one is the one that inspired this one. On a hill just south of Lisbon, alongside the river, is a statue of Jesus Christ with his arms stretched out in a cross formation. Just like the one in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Although there are many, many similar statues of Jesus all around the world, this one in Portugal was inspired by the one in Brazil. And this one has a different name: Santuário de Cristo Rei, or Sanctuary of Christ the King.
The Statue of Liberty (which I also talked about back in Kanis Majoris No. 5) is another landmark that has multiple copies all over the world. Well, I don’t know if “copies” is the right word because they might be a little different in size, style or colour [3] , although they are, quite obviously, replicas of the original Statue. There are quite a few in France, which I guess makes sense because that’s where the original Statue of Liberty was made, but there are also some in other countries like Norway, Kosovo, China and Brazil. There’s one in Spain that has both arms up in the air.
The Monumen Nasional in Jakarta, or Monas as it’s commonly known, is a monument that’s a national icon and, despite being only 132 metres tall — about a third of the height of the Eiffel Tower — is extremely well-known here in Indonesia and has, right at the top of its candle-like form, a “torch” made of gold leaf.
I first went in 2018 and, as it was my first time in Jakarta, the Monument offered an interesting viewpoint right from the heart of the city to all the buildings, neighbourhoods and other landmarks surrounding, including Istiqlal Mosque, the largest mosque in all of Southeast Asia and the eighth largest in the world.
Then there was also that time in 1925 when a con man called Victor Lustig tried selling the Eiffel Tower for scrap metal. He posed as a government official and, using the fact that the Tower had fallen into a bit of disrepair to his advantage, convinced a bunch of scrap metal dealers that the government had decided to sell the Eiffel Tower to the highest bidder for scrap. He successfully managed to pull the scam, took the money and fled the country. He later returned to France and did it again, but this time someone ratted him out and he ran away to the U.S. to continue his career of cons and schemes. He’s often known as “the man who sold the Eiffel Tower twice.”
Volta do mar was a technique that was used by Portuguese sailors coming back from the Atlantic where they would sail out west and then ride the current known as the North Atlantic Gyre going eastwards to get back to Europe. Because the current is so dependable, and it flows clockwise in a circle, they could rely on the current to get them to where they needed to go.
The original Statue of Liberty (and maybe others too, I don’t know) was actually a bronzy-brown colour. The green comes from the way the metal the statue is made of reacted with the air over the years.
CONSISTENTLY CLICHÉD
Can you just stop exercising for a second? I have no idea what you’re saying.
Has this ever bothered anyone else? People in movies and shows having a full-on conversation whilst exercising or lifting something heavy together, like carrying a couch through a living room or something. The kinds of situations that would be totally inconvenient for a really important conversation to happen. You would never have a conversation like that in reality; it just wouldn’t work. You would just save it for later, wouldn’t you?
Cross my palm with silver and I shall tell you your height, weight, age, birthday, what you ate for breakfast this morning and whether or not your dreams are going to come true.
Let’s say there’s a suspect and police are on the search for him. They’ll find a witness who’s seen the suspect and when they ask for a description, the witness will say something like “Yeah, he was Caucasian, male, mid-30’s, five-o-clock shadow, and, uh, I’d say he was 6’2” and 180 pounds.” All the rest of it’s fine, but how can people just know other people’s height and weight just by looking at them? Because I never ever have been able to tell. Is this a skill some people possess? Am I the weird one who can’t tell what someone’s BMI is on sight?
What did I miss? Did a bomb go off or something?
Explosions in movies — whether it’s a car exploding or a bomb going off or something — never seem to kill any of the main characters, no matter how near they are to the explosion. If someone throws a grenade at you, the main character, and the grenade lands right next to you all you seem to have to do is turn around and fall over as the grenade goes off in a violent explosion. And then walk away afterwards with little to no injuries or loss of hearing. If you’re not the main character, however — or worse, some sort of villain — that same explosion will blow you to a million little shrapnels.
I got a sitter and drove all the way across town just for this?
This is a hilarious one. And it’s not one I used to notice because, when you’re stuck into a movie and fully engaged with the plot, you’re mainly focused on processing what’s going on and thinking about what’s going to happen next that this kind of thing can just go by unnoticed.
Here it is: character who’s working for the big bad people is doing his thing when he gets a visit from an associate, who’ll tell him something along the lines of “The boss wants to see ya.” Our character will go to some dimly-lit restaurant with really fancy decor that’s totally empty except for the boss who’s sitting at a table by himself in the far corner with the entire crew of waiters and waitresses standing next to him, staring at the floor. The main character who’s been summoned will, after adjusting his tie and jacket, go up to the boss, kiss his ring and sit down opposite him. The boss will continue eating for a moment, while everyone else waits in silence, after which he’ll wipe his mouth and, very simply, say: “You’re running out of time. Get it done.” And that’s all.
Is there a reason why they do that? Like he summoned this guy to come all the way there to see him just so he could say two short sentences? I mean, telephone, much? Email? A text message? He could even have just said all of that without typing any words and only used emojis. Or just have the guy who delivered the original, the-boss-wants-to-see-ya message just tell the guy that he’s running out of time? What gives?
And I know these kinds of situations aren’t always the same; there are various circumstances where the big boss or leader or whoever will actually need to speak face to face for one reason or another — but there are many, many situations in movies and shows where I absolutely could not see any reason why that two-minute meeting could not have been done over the phone or through a verbal message.
Pressing the stop button on elevators
Last time on Consistently Clichéd, I talked about people in movies and shows holding the elevator doors open so they can continue the conversation they’re having whilst making everyone else in the elevator — and everyone who’s waiting for this elevator to arrive — wait so that they can have their heart-to-heart moment. Well, there’s another thing I’ve seen in movies and shows that’s kind of similar: Pressing the stop button to make the elevator pump its brakes and hold itself suspended in mid-air so that the characters can have a private conversation. Have you ever seen this? I mean, how arrogant do you have to be to actually stop the elevator you’re in and make everyone else wait who might be expecting this elevator to arrive soon? All so that you can get a couple of extra minutes to have this meeting that’s so super-secret and uber-important?
I was gonna call you but I realised you never gave me your number.
I’ve seen this a lot, especially in older movies and shows (or movies and shows that are set in an older time) where people will have other people’s phone numbers memorised. Like, I know back in the telephone era people had to remember phone numbers or have them written down somewhere, but how come people on screen always seem to have memorised the phone number of that guy they met once and now desperately need to call so he can go and do something shady to fix some situation?
I’m feeling a little thirsty after that fifteen-second walk from my car, up the driveway to the front door.
I notice this quite a lot, especially in sitcoms. The front door opens, they throw their key into a bowl by the door and chuck their bag onto the floor. What do they do next? They go straight for the fridge, open it and take out a drink. What is that? Do people do that? Get a drink directly as soon as they arrive home? I usually go straight to the bedroom or bathroom when I arrive home to get changed or wash up, but I guess to each their own. Still, though, I find it a little odd how many movies and shows actually have this. And the drink could be anything: sometimes it’s a soda, sometimes it’s a beer and sometimes it’s just a whole gallon of milk that they pop the lid off of and start chugging.
Where do you guys think you’re going? I’m only just getting warmed up.
This one I think I have the authority to call out because I actually have lived through this in my real life. Picture this: a school classroom. A teacher at the front giving an intense and passionate lecture (probably about something relevant to the plot of the movie or show this is in). All the students are fully engaged, the teacher is asking really profound, thought-provoking questions when, in a sudden, shrill blaze, the bell rings and the students immediately get up, grab their stuff and start spilling out of the room. And the teacher’s reaction is always the same — it’s always something to the effect of “Ah, dang. We ran outta time! Okay, guys, remember we have a quiz next week on…”
This, for me, is kind of unrealistic. I mean, as the viewer you would feel bad for the teacher, thinking that she’s unfortunate for not being able to finish what she was saying. But in reality, a big part of being a teacher is being aware of time. If you have a one-hour class, you prepare and plan your class in advance according to that time span. You know what stage to do when and which parts are more important and which ones aren’t. You wouldn’t leave such an important lecture where you’re asking the students driving questions to get them to think right to the end of the class, just before the bell. You’d leave yourself at least a bit of a margin and do that kind of thing a little beforehand, or even in the middle of the lesson.
It’s fine, I don’t need a jacket. I enjoy shivering from the cold.
In movies and shows, you usually don’t see very realistic weather or, I guess I should say, you don’t really see certain types of weather. What do I mean by this? Well, take somewhere like New York. It gets pretty darn cold in the Northeastern United States, with the brutal winter temperatures getting as low as -30°C. But most of the time in movies and shows, people are walking around New York with just a t-shirt and maybe a thin cardigan on. You never really see the terrible weather when these places are shown on screen. So I suppose, what I’m watching is just always just set in the summer? I mean, you do see bad weather on screen, you just don’t see it that often. Or maybe you do. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about with this one, but I can’t shake the feeling that — based on my personal experience — I’ve mostly seen places that, in reality, generally see bad weather throughout the year mostly shown on screen as having nice, pleasant, easy-breezy weather. Right? I’ll actually probably need to reconsider this one. Note to editor: consider axing this segment. Only leave it in if it’s absolutely necessary. And go pick up my meatball sub from the deli. Hey, I don’t care how cold it is outside! I’m just kidding, I don’t have an editor.
Sunshine (2007) / Silver Linings Playbook (2012) / Roma (2018) / A Ghost Story (2017) / The Hangover Part III (2013) / Margin Call (2011) / Bridge to Terabithia (2007) / The Imitation Game (2014) / Skyfall (2012) / Uncut Gems (2019) / Limitless (2011) / Gravity (2013) / The American (2010) / Captain Phillips (2013) / Shallow Grave (1994) / Frank (2014) / Audition (1999)
Sunshine
2007
A well-made sci-fi thriller-ish movie with a good premise: Humanity is in trouble (as is usual in these kinds of movies) because the Sun is dying and the Earth is struggling to sustain life. A group of astronauts must go to the Sun to, sort of, reignite it using a bomb that they’ll throw into the Sun and then run away back to Earth. They are “humanity’s last hope” and so you could say that the stakes are pretty high.
There was a lot that I liked about this movie. It’s very well-made with a good cast (Cillian Murphy, Chris Evans, Michelle Yeoh, Rose Byrne) with director Danny Boyle throwing in a lot of his usual style in there. Visually, this film has some pretty stunning scenes and is very well cinematographed (I’m not sure if that’s a word). Sunshine is also very well-paced and has a good story; the kind that keeps you on the edge of your seat. Now, where this movie lacks is in a few of the plot points which I can’t really get into without spoiling the movie so if you are going to watch the movie, I’d stop reading now and just go to the next review.
Okay, so here it is: In the movie, the astronauts know that they aren’t the first ones to try this crazy mission of nuking the Sun. The first Icarus mission ultimately failed and later in the movie they come across the abandoned Icarus I and see that the captain had gone crazy and sabotaged the mission. But why, though? The film didn’t really explain much about what actually went down on Icarus I. Was it one of those the-audience-can-make-their-own-mind-up-about-what-happened kind of things? And the second thing I don’t understand about this whole film is: Why didn’t humans just send a giant probe up there with a bomb strapped to it? Why did they have to send astronauts? I mean, I’m no scientist by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m pretty sure sending a group of human beings is a lot more difficult than just sending a giant robot. Right? Isn’t that why we (in real life) haven’t been able to send humans to Mars to this day but we have been able to send probes and robots to the Red Planet since the ‘60s? Humans haven’t been able to leave the Solar System but the Voyager probes have? You get my point. So why the humans of the year 2057 didn’t just send a probe that they could remote-access control from Earth to complete this absurdly dangerous mission, despite the fact that this is the future and they could have probably very easily been able to do that, is beyond me.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: visually-interesting, well-paced, exciting.
Silver Linings Playbook
2012
A nice, funny comedy about a young man’s struggle with his mental health and personal life with a good story and dialogue. Starring Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert De Niro, this is one of those movies that you can just put on and enjoy pretty much anytime, anywhere.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: funny, heartwarming, easy-going.
Roma
2018
A heartfelt, sentimental drama film centred around a young woman who works as a live-in maid for a family in Mexico City. The movie is extremely well-made, is populated with good dialogue, brilliant performances and, despite being in black and white, does an exceptional job of building an intimate atmosphere and painting a landscape of these people and their lives at a particular time and place.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: dramatic, moving, realistic.
A Ghost Story
2017
Oh, boy. If this isn’t the slowest God damn film I have ever seen in my entire life. Like oh my God is this movie slow. I actually had to watch it at 2x speed just to have it move at an acceptable pace that I could stomach. My goodness. If you are going to watch this film, be warned; this is an incredibly slow slow-burner. Each shot draws out for ages. The camera and subjects on screen barely move. There’s an entire scene where Rooney Mara’s sitting on her kitchen floor eating a pie. And it goes on for like four minutes. Just her sitting and eating. Sometimes I feel like I’m becoming a ghost story just watching this movie.
Having said all of that, I kind of understand what this movie is trying to do. It is, like I’ve said, a slow-burn. So it’s trying to — from what I can tell — create a sense of emptiness and emotional sorrow with the presence of silence and low energy. I get it. Even with the pie scene, when you watch it you can see how Rooney Mara’s character is going through certain emotions when she’s eating and it adds a layer to the feeling of emptiness and heartbreak. So I get the movie’s intentions.
This, however, isn’t really enough for me. I get that A Ghost Story is trying to be a very atmospheric film, but for me I kind of need a story to go along with that atmosphere. And this film has basically none of that. I won’t go into spoilers (not that it would make a difference for a film with such a weak storyline that didn’t really make much sense) but the plot of this film can be summarised in basically just two sentences. Also, I just can’t get over the appearance of the ghost in this film (it literally looks like a cartoon ghost, like a kid on Halloween with a bedsheet that has two holes cut out of it). It looks ridiculous and I just find it hard to take it seriously.
For me, I don’t mind a slow-burn film. There are slow-paced movies out there that I have really enjoyed (Yi Yi, Dogtooth, Whisky) that have a story to tell or a point to make but with this film, I feel like there isn’t much besides dead air and Casey Affleck with a sheet over his head.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: slow, empty, sad.
The Hangover Part III
2013
I’ve talked about The Hangover before and how it’s a comedy with a kind of mystery aspect to it as it’s about a group of guys who spend the night partying, can’t remember anything the next morning and spend the entire film piecing together the events of what happened the previous night. The first Hangover movie is a fun time and has a raunchy, silly sense of humour that makes for a real good-time watch. The second movie basically follows the same pattern as the first, where The Wolfpack does it again and I feel like The Hangover Part II really does rely on the success of the first film and recycles the same jokes and tropes as the first movie. I think it’s still a fun film, but it does feel like a repeat of the same kind of motions. I get that there has to be continuity, but I think it could have perhaps done the same thing but on a bigger scale or, I don’t know, just something a little different.
The Hangover Part III doesn’t have the same pattern as the first and second films and instead brings the characters all back for one last adventure and to wrap up the story with a satisfying ending. I really appreciate how the trilogy does this in the final film; not only does it not just do the whole they-party-all-night-and-forget-everything-the-next-day thing (which although would have been fun and super easy to do, it kind of would have been lazy writing), it also brings back the same characters and weaves together a final storyline that references things from earlier movies without dropping the quality of humour or doing it in a way that feels forced or cheap. To me, that’s really commendable for a trilogy to do.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: raunchy, adventurous, hilarious.
Margin Call
2011
A corporate, finance-drama (is that even a genre?) taking place in the offices of an investment bank right as the financial crisis of 2008 begins going down. The film, starring Kevin Spacey, Simon Baker, Jeremy Irons, Demi Moore and Stanley Tucci, is fast-paced with excellent dialogue and, although there is a fair amount of scenes where technical financial lingo is being thrown around the board room, the plot is easy to follow through exceptional writing and performances. I love the vibe this movie has as it gives us a vantage point into the kinds of meetings that happen behind closed doors and an inside view into that time period when one of the biggest financial disasters in history was imminent and what must have happened to the people that were in the middle of it all. The film takes place over a period of twenty-four hours and the characters all rush around, going through various motions trying to sort things out as they realise that very soon everything is about to implode and the world is going to crash over their heads. A highly underrated dialogue-based movie with impeccable pacing.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: sleek, corporate, riveting.
Bridge to Terabithia
2007
When I first watched this film at age 12, I did not like it. Why? Because I was a child, that’s why. I went into this film thinking it would be some sort of magical fantasy adventure with CGI and odd-looking creatures like some sort of Chronicles-of-Narnia-type thing. But what this movie turned out to be was boring. It just seemed like a lame movie about two kids who go into the forest behind their house and imagine it to be a fantasy kingdom when actually there’s nothing (I mean, there is some CGI in a couple of scenes when you can see what they’re imagining, but even then it is still in their imagination). It felt like I was being cheated and that the movie was too lazy to put any kind of effort into making the film more visually interesting.
Now when I watch Bridge to Terabithia, on the other hand, I see a sad, tragic story of two children who find each other and become friends and a heartbreaking story of a young boy who’s living under difficult conditions because of his home and school life. It’s an emotional film and although it’s not flawless, I definitely do appreciate it a lot more now as an adult, even though it’s supposed to be a kids’/young teens’ film.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: emotional, coming-of-age, tragic.
The Imitation Game
2014
A thriller set in WWII depicting the true story of Alan Turing, the man who led the team that devised a method to decipher German messages. A nicely-paced biographical film with a good level of intrigue and excellent performances from the entire cast, in particular Benedict Cumberbatch with his portrayal of a socially-awkward genius who had an incredibly difficult and complex task at hand.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: biographic, historical, dramatic.
Skyfall
2012
A James Bond movie that has everything you’d want from a James Bond movie; slick action, witty one-liners, characters who bounce around the globe from one location to another and a villain who is doing something questionable. Skyfall is one of my favourite Bond movies as it has more to it than just the usual action-spy-movie clichés; it has some elements that are a little more stylized and subtle that make it stand out from the usual popcorn-y movies in this genre.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: stylish, sleek, spectacular.
Uncut Gems
2019
Adam Sandler is a businessman who gets into some complex situations as he runs around New York City making deals in this energetic, twisty-turny movie that is enjoyable to watch. Uncut Gems has this dark and enigmatic vibe to it (if you like Good Time, you might find this to be a good watch as it’s directed by the same guys) and I would say I really enjoyed this movie overall, however, I’m not really a fan of the ending. Without spoiling anything, I’ll just say that it brings the film to a close in a way that I think — how can I put this — undermines the rest of the film. Having said that, this is a very well-made, memorable and top-notch movie. Minus the ending.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: suspenseful, tragic, dark.
Limitless
2011
Bradley Cooper stars as a down-on-his-luck writer who discovers a pill that can make you achieve your full potential — actually, I’d say even more than your full potential. This psychological (science fiction?) thriller is fast-moving, visually interesting and is an all-round fun film that can be universally liked.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: thrilling, trippy, fast-paced.
Gravity
2013
This movie, despite its problems, is what I would call a successful movie. And that has nothing to do with facts and figures, how many stars out of ten people gave it online or how much money the movie made. I think it’s all to do with the purpose and intentions of this film and what it set out to do. This movie is supposed to be a popcorn flick. It’s supposed to be entertaining and keep you on the edge of your seat with roller-coaster-y emotions and some cool visuals. Which it does. This is not supposed to be some realistic, intelligent, thought-provoking space movie like Interstellar, The Martian or 2001: A Space Odyssey. This is just supposed to be a good time and that’s all. And I think if you go into this movie with that understanding, you might have fun with it.
Now, I don’t know what the filmmakers actually intended. I have no idea. All I can do is make an educated guess as to what I think was the idea behind Gravity when it was being made. Because this film has absolutely no substance behind it at all. It could have become a very intelligent and brilliant movie with all sorts of interesting bits of science thrown in. But this film, starring Sandra Bullock and George Clooney, is full of inaccuracies, overused clichés and bad one-liners.
What do I mean? Okay, so the whole movie is about Sandra Bullock’s character getting stranded in space as a result of a disaster that wipes out pretty much everyone else on her mission, resulting in her having to almost single-handedly find a way to get back to Earth. And, okay, a lot of the unrealistic things you can kind of roll with since it’s a movie and movies are often full of things that wouldn’t happen in real life — but to show an astronaut that, as a result of something going wrong, is constantly panicking and struggling to go through various stressful situations? That would never happen. I don’t know much about becoming an astronaut, but I’m pretty sure that astronauts have to be absolutely rock solid with nerves of steel to ensure they stay composed and on task no matter what happens. Sandra Bullock’s performance in this movie is totally ridiculous. She’s yelling and screaming, flailing her arms in the void of space and any obstacle that comes up, she has no idea what to do. Watching this film, you think to yourself how, in real life, this is completely ridiculous given how much training and preparation astronauts have to go through in order to even have a chance at going into space. Kind of like George Clooney’s character. It seems like they put George Clooney in the film just to put George Clooney in the film, but at least his performance is a little more realistic in terms of how a real astronaut would handle a crisis in the void of space.
Again, the point of this movie is not to be realistic. It’s a good-time-in-the-cinema movie. In fact, I remember when this movie came out and people were getting excited to go to the cinema to watch it in 3D. And I feel like that explains a lot about Gravity (and the success it received) — this movie was pretty much made to be watched in the cinema in 3D with the glasses on your face and a bucket of overpriced buttery popcorn in your lap. I didn’t get to watch it in 3D, but I can imagine that it would be pretty awesome as an experience, the way Avatar was a few years prior to Gravity.
So when you look at it through that lens, it makes sense why this movie is the way it is. Even Sandra Bullock’s character, albeit unrealistic, makes for a better protagonist in a popcorn-flick type of film because her distress and struggle makes her more relatable and human. And that’s what works in a movie like this, doesn’t it?
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: grand, visual, popcorn-y.
The American
2010
George Clooney plays a private, mild-mannered assassin who is told by his employer to go to a small, quiet town in Italy and await further instructions. This film has a noir-esque vibe that makes it feel like a movie from the ‘50s or ‘60s in terms of the minimal tone and steady pacing. The film tells its story and takes its time with drawing out the characters and environment without too much dialogue. This is a bit of a slow-burner, though, and there are times where the film does begin to feel like it’s dragging on, but there is a good pay-off by the end that makes it all worth it with a tragic end to a tragic story.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: noir-esque, low-key, mellow.
Captain Phillips
2013
This thrilling hostage-situation movie based on a true story about a cargo ship getting hijacked by Somali pirates is a treat to watch with its pacing and tension. I don’t think I’ve ever rooted for the U.S. Navy so hard in any other situation than while watching this movie. Sure, a movie like this is predictable, simple and doesn’t have a lot of rewatchability, but it’s definitely the kind of movie that can entertain and tell a story about a dangerous situation.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: tense, thrilling, engaging.
Shallow Grave
1994
A thriller movie about a trio of friends that get caught up in something terrible. A situation unfolds, events come into action and the movie ends with kind of a twist. Honestly, I kind of saw the twist coming, so don’t go in expecting some Shutter Island-level, stomach-churning plot twist but just know that this is a good, fun movie with a bit of thrill and a bit of violence and characters that make the whole thing exciting to watch.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: thrilling, exciting, dramatic.
Frank
2014
This oddball, quirky movie with stereotypical indie-esque tropes about a struggling band with a very eccentric frontman is, although is quite silly and nonsensical with its plot and tone, has a charming, likeable quality to it that I really can’t shake off. The character of Frank is really well-portrayed by Michael Fassbender and I find the concept of the film quite alluring. This is definitely one of those films that’s great for some light watching and is best enjoyed if it isn’t taken too seriously.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: indie-esque, quirky, light.
Audition
1999
This is probably one of the scariest films I’ve ever seen. Following a story about a man who meets a young woman through an audition and decides to pursue her, this Japanese horror has some thoroughly creepy and unsettling scenes that made me genuinely scared. And that doesn’t happen often.
IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOVIE IN THREE WORDS: horrifying, creepy, unsettling.
THE FIRST RULE IS THE SAME AS THE SECOND RULE, THE THIRD RULE IS POINTLESS, THE FOURTH RULE IS FINE, WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE FIFTH RULE? I DON’T KNOW WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THE SIXTH RULE, I WON’T EVEN GO INTO THE SEVENTH RULE AND TELL ME AGAIN WHY WE EVEN BOTHERED MAKING RULES?
“It doesn’t have your name. Who are you? Cornelius? Rupert? Travis? Any of the stupid names you give each night?”
A big question about Fight Club is: what is the name of Edward Norton’s character? There are, as far as I know, three theories. The first one is that his name is actually Tyler Durden. Marla calls him Tyler, patrons of Fight Club know of the legend of the man named Tyler Durden, therefore his name must be Tyler Durden.
I don’t really like this theory, personally. Nor does it make a lot of sense, because during the big plot twist, Tyler himself mentions that he house is “rented in his (Edward Norton’s) name” and when he meets Tyler in the airplane and reads his name on his business card, he remembers that moment as “this is how I met Tyler Durden.” So his own name can’t be Tyler Durden, can it?
He probably just tells Marla his name is Tyler because, as we know, he is slowly “letting himself become Tyler Durden.” That makes sense, right?
Another theory is that his name is Jack. A running quote in the movie is “I am Jack’s wasted life/broken heart/smirking revenge” etc. I like this theory, and I like the name Jack, however the third theory is the one I subscribe to. And that is that we never really know his name; instead we only refer to him as the “Narrator.”
If you watch Fight Club right to the end — which you might do, depending on your decision to shut the movie off after the big plot twist reveal or not — you’ll see that in the credits, Edward Norton is credited with playing the character known as “Narrator.” So it seems official enough to just call him the Narrator. Also, on a deeper level, not giving him a name further makes him a symbol of a typical modern man who thinks the key to happiness is in an IKEA catalogue.
“Yes. We’re men. Men is what we are.”
I love this line. The way Edward Norton delivers all his lines in this film is top class, especially with his half-asleep-sounding narration throughout the film that furthers the idea of him being a narcoleptic, button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho boy with two personalities, but with this line and many others the theme of masculinity is a pretty obvious one.
There are references scattered throughout Fight Club about defining masculinity (“Is that what a man looks like?”) to rediscovering it. Like when Bob talks about Fight Club (a clear violation of the rules, no wonder he got shot in the end), he mentions how Fight Club, where men violently beat each other up, is something “so much better” than the support group where men cry in each other’s arms.
Other examples include the constant reference to testicles; from the men in the testicular cancer support group, “Remaining Men Together,” to using the cutting of testicles as a threat or a punishment, to the fight scene where Tyler is punching some guy in the balls repeatedly.
“In Tyler we trusted.”
Tyler is, pretty clearly, a hypocrite. This has been pointed out in many analyses of this film and it’s clear to see that when you consider the fact that he is, at the start, so anti-establishment, to then giving men a way out of their slavery to capitalism through to freedom with Fight Club and its various homework assignments, to then basically just making a brand new establishment with the men now becoming slaves for him.
“A guy came to Fight Club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.”
What I’ve often thought about with regards to Fight Club — and I mean the club itself, not the movie — is why didn’t the men just join like a boxing gym or something? Combat sports do exist, and you can go sign up if you want some sort of outlet for your violent urges.
But then, the more I think about it, the more I get it. “Fight Club wasn’t about winning or losing. It wasn’t about words.” The men beating each other up aren’t doing it to get fit, or to become a pro and win medals. They’re doing it to be free and to do something that’s against the whole living-in-a-condo-watching-sitcoms-and-working-a-shit-job-wearing-a-cornflour-blue-tie-to-work life. Like when the Narrator comes into work wearing a bloodstained shirt, his boss is totally disgusted with him while he himself is crispy-clothed, wearing a tie with a clip and a pen in his top pocket. Fight Club is just so anti-establishment because there are no rules, no winners or losers and “nothing was solved, yet nothing mattered.”
That’s at the beginning, anyway.
“Is Tyler my bad dream or am I Tyler’s?”
Like I said, the slow progression of Tyler going from being a liberator to basically a fascist dictator is a steady yet realistic depiction of change. Fight Club begins in a parking lot with just a few guys taking their lifes’ frustrations out on each other but then later becoming basically a cult in the basement of a bar with rules and a manifesto, to then Project Mayhem, which is where Tyler has basically built an army to blindly do his bidding (“the first rule of Project Mayhem is you do not ask questions”) while still making the men feel like they are working towards their own liberation and defining their masculinity.
This is quite realistic and, in many ways, natural. In the real world we often see societies being crumbled to the ground by a revolutionary only to then have that same person who freed everyone just become the new tyrannical overlord. Like in the song City Hall/I Believe/Malibu Nights Medley by Tenacious D, which I realise might be a reference that’s totally out of left field, but I think it makes the same kind of point.
Now, I don’t want to sit here and be that millennial that says things like “Oh, they don’t make movies Some Well-Known, Classic Movie anymore” or “Ah, new movies are all garbage. Remember back when they made films like Movie I Watched As a Kid and so it Holds Some Sentimental Value for Me Personally? I just want to go back in time to back when life was so simple and just stay there.”
Hmm, maybe I should, actually. Seriously, though, I don’t think movies nowadays are all completely useless. That being said, many of the movies in this list are iconic legends in cinema that have shaped movies, genres, pop culture and may have more of an impact on us than we think. So many famous lines, clichés and other tropes we’re all familiar with come from movies from the ‘70s and ‘80s. And it goes without saying that, of course, I have not seen every movie from this time period, but here are some that I do think are the best of what those two decades have to offer from a time when there was carpet on the walls and songs had a lot of echoey, reverberated drums.
Frantic
1988
A brilliant, noir-esque mystery movie with Harrison Ford looking for his wife in Paris after she goes missing. This movie has a number of things that I really like. Firstly, the storyline. It’s easy to follow, has some good detective-ish elements and escalates well to the point where the movie’s in a much different place than where it started. Secondly, the old-school, late ‘80s vibe. Seeing Paris from that time period is nostalgic for me, even though I was never in Paris in the late ‘80s. I wasn’t even around in the late ‘80s. But you know what I mean, right? When you become nostalgic for a time and a place you were never a part of? And third, the sense of humour Harrison Ford brings to the movie — even though I think a lot of the time the humour is secondary to the story, maybe even a little unintentional. Like the scene where he’s talking to the guys at the US embassy, the part where he curses the guy out over the phone and hangs up or, a classic thing in older movies that I always find funny, when he rips out the page that he needs from the phone book and walks off. Frantic is a great time that can still be enjoyed today. Or any day.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Mystery/missing person movies like Taken, Unknown and Searching. Also watch if you like older movies (which is everything on this list, I guess) or if you like movies with an easy-to-follow storyline.
Back to the Future
1985
A highly-likeable icon of the ‘80s where the characters, plot and fun, bouncy dialogue really make this a rewatchable, good-time movie. I personally really like the character Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd, as he brings to the movie a quirkiness and likeable charm along with his well-known catchphrase (“Great Scott!”), his science-related babbling and the chemistry he has with Marty McFly, played by Michael J. Fox. Although this is the first of the three movies in the trilogy, I’ve really just always loved the first one as it’s the one where it all kicks off and has an originality to it that holds up to this day.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Fun sci-fi movies with a pinch of comedy.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
1986
Ferris Bueller is a popular teenager who fakes being sick one morning so he can take a day off and have some fun with his friends. This is an absolutely loveable coming-of-age movie with as much fun as you could want in a movie like this. The light tone of comedy is comparable to any other John Hughes movie like Home Alone or Planes, Trains and Automobiles. You’ll definitely like this one if you like charming, fun movies that’ll win you over without you even realising it.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Charming coming-of-age movies with a light sense of humour and that ‘80s, high-school-teen vibe.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
1987
A feel-good road-trip movie starring Steve Martin and John Candy. They’re trying to get home in time for Thanksgiving but keep coming across one obstacle after another. It’s a fun movie that although has a rather cheesy and silly sense of humour, really highlights the struggle and stress associated with travel that most of us can relate to — even though this movie’s from the ‘80s and travel has changed somewhat since then. John Candy’s warm, likeable personality and Steve Martin’s tense and frustrated character makes this film rewatchable and one of my favourites from the ‘80s.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Feel-good movies that have a holiday associated with them or John Hughes’ other movies — like Home Alone.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
1989
The best movie in the Indiana Jones series, in my opinion, as well as being the last good one — you know, before that Crystal Skull nightmare and whatever the hell Dial of Destiny is trying to be. For me, The Last Crusade isn’t as dry as The Raiders of the Lost Ark and not as cheesy as The Temple of Doom. It lands in a sweet spot with adventure, mystery, action, humour and a bespectacled Sean Connery wearing a bucket hat.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: The other Indiana Jones movies as well as classic adventure films like Star Wars or Back to the Future.
When Harry Met Sally
1989
One of the best dialogue movies. Although this is a classic romcom with some cheesy, cliché elements like hate becoming friendship becoming love, the whole will-they-won’t-they dynamic and a final scene involving a sudden realisation of feelings, running, giving a monologue about said feelings and then that final happy-ever-after ending. Did I just spoil the movie for you? Not really. Because this is the kind of film that even if I tell you the plot (which I think I just did), this film will still be enjoyable to watch because When Harry Met Sally, unlike most romcoms, is mostly about the way the movie plays out rather than the actual story.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Dialogue-based romance movies that are fun and likeable, albeit a little clichéd.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
1975
A moving, emotional drama movie with a tearjerker ending. Jack Nicholson kills it with his charm and wit playing a man who’s been committed to a psychiatric hospital even though he isn’t mentally ill. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest has been named as one of the best films of all time and it really holds up, even when you watch it now in the 2020s. Other cast members include a much younger Danny DeVito and Christopher Lloyd with this classic from the ‘70s.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Well-paced, heartfelt movies peppered with good characters and themes.
Robin Hood
1973
An animation telling the tale of Robin Hood that I’ve always really liked with animals playing the various characters in the story. A fox as Robin Hood, a bear as Little John, a lion as Prince John and a rooster as a minstrel narrating the story. This telling of the English folk tale is lively, fun and has that old-school Disney feel.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Old-school Disney animations like The Jungle Book or Bambi.
Alien
1979
A beautifully-made, excellently-paced sci-fi horror film with a great story and some great characters, I really think Alien is a flawless film. A classic in the sci-fi horror genre and that’s exactly what this is, in all its glory. The pacing, the visuals, the twists and turns in the plot are all what make this movie such a classic. I think I’m just going to end up repeating myself over and over if I say any more, so let’s just say this is one of my absolute favourites from the ‘70s and leave it there.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Top-class, well-made movies that stand the test of time. Also if you like sci-fi horrors.
Star Wars
1977
I’ve never really been a huge Star Wars fan, although I think the original trilogy is fantastically creative and original. I don’t think I can say much about A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi individually, but I think as a trilogy they work really well in creating a fictional world with weird and interesting characters, environments and planets that are, quite literally, otherworldly and a storyline that although isn’t very complex or layered, does have some hard-hitting moments (“No, I am your father”) that I think make Star Wars a good fantasy movie. In terms of the effects and visuals, yeah, of course it’s going to look a little fake and campy when you watch it all now in the 2020s — but considering these movies came out in the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, I don’t think they’re half bad. And the advantage of watching a pop culture icon like this is that you can see all these well-known characters in action. Darth Vader, Boba Fett, the Stormtroopers, Yoda. I don’t know about you, but I get excited when I see an iconic character on screen. Another thing about Star Wars that I really like is the originality when it comes to naming things. Where else are you going to see characters with unique names like Obi-Wan Kenobi, Chewbacca, Admiral Ackbar and Han Solo; planets with names like Tatooine and Hoth and things with names like lightsabers and the Death Star?
Although it may seem like a sci-fi given the fact that it’s got planets and galaxies and giant ships flying around battling each other in space, Star Wars is actually more of an epic space opera or fantasy. It’s got family elements, character dynamics, the battle between good and evil and the journey of self-discovery.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Space opera, action/superhero or fantasy movies.
The Godfather
1972
This mafia crime epic really lives up to the hype that it gets being called “one of the best films ever made” and “oh, they don’t make them like this anymore.” Featuring the Corleone family and the New York Italian mafia scene of the ‘40s and ‘50s, The Godfather has very steady, slow-burn-esque pacing. I mean, this movie is around three hours long, which may seem a little long, but the very fact that this movie has that kind of pacing is, in my opinion, one of the main reasons why The Godfather is considered such a classic. This film really is soaked in Italian, Italian-American and New York culture with the visuals, the dialogue and the soundtrack with the pacing allowing you to really take it all in as you’re watching. Besides that, The Godfather tells a tale of bloodthirsty vengeance and revenge, which is always enjoyable, and the constant backstabbing, trickery and Sicilian messages keeps you as the viewer in a state of intrigue as to what’s going to happen next. The dialogue in this movie is, quite literally, legendary. I can’t believe I put off watching this movie until this year because I think it deserves all the praise it gets. The Godfather is, as they say, an absolute classic.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Mob movies like Goodfellas or movies that have great dialogue and a tragic, slow-paced plot.
Taxi Driver
1976
I really like Taxi Driver. A noir-esque movie with crime and some psychological thriller-isms about a man who’s lonely and is having a tough time fitting into his surroundings and the effect being in a horrible place where terrible things are happening day in and day out can have on a person. Have I said too much? I don’t think so. A young Robert De Niro absolutely smashes it as the title character, an unsuspecting night-time taxi driver with insomnia who, the way I see it, is trying really hard to do normal things that normal people do and, when it doesn’t work out, has to do something a little unorthodox to get some recognition. That’s just my take on the movie. And don’t worry, I don’t think I’ve spoiled anything here. This movie, directed by the one and only Martin Scorsese, has really stylised visuals portraying New York City in the ‘70s in a very dark and mysterious way. The movie also has one of those ambiguous, what-do-you-think-happened endings, so that’s why I say I don’t think I’ve ruined the movie for you because you might have a very different take on the ending than me.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Noir-esque, movies, movies that show good character, development or movies that have a, vigilante-type figure.
Born on the Fourth of July
1989
Tom Cruise stars as a young man who volunteers for the Vietnam War in this moving drama about war, patriotism, culture and the aftermath a traumatic experience can have on a person. The performance given by Cruise in this film is probably, I would say, one of his best. The emotional range he expresses with this character, who’s based on a real person, is truly fantastic, making Born on the Fourth of July a well-made movie with an interesting story about the life of a man and how his feelings towards what he believes in changes over the years.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Emotional, realistic and dramatic biopics.
Midnight Express
1978
A young man is arrested in Turkey for trying to sneak drugs onto a plane and ends up in a prison where he feels as if his life has fallen into complete tragedy. The emotional journey this film takes you through as you feel for the characters with how much of a struggle that kind of situation must be is intense. This is one of those movies where the sheer weight of the drama alone is enough to carry the movie forward and hits hard when you realise it’s based on a true story.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Hard-hitting, tragic movies like Gladiator, The Pianist or 12 Years a Slave.
The Shining
1980
Horror brilliance, in my opinion. One of Kubrick’s most well-made movies in terms of the pacing, the terrifying visuals and the phenomenal acting performances. I love the way this movie takes the time to set the stakes and build up the tension but also gets straight to the point when it all goes down. The unsettling and shocking tone in The Shining is spot on and I really, really like the way this movie plays out in its concept. It’s an ambiguous movie where it gives you the pieces and you kind of assemble it how you see fit. Without spoiling anything, I’ll say that I think this movie does that really well, even though I’m not sure I fully understand a couple of things — mainly the photograph at the end.
WATCH IF YOU LIKE: Nicely-made psychological or supernatural horror movies.
25.
A pair of knives,
blunt like an old pencil.
But together
they become a useful utensil.
They open their jaws
and bite what comes forth,
your dominant hand
will determine their worth.
26.
An explorer that has seen it all.
A genius that knows where to go.
In your pocket or on your wall,
shows the world from the eye of the crow.
27.
A slice from nature’s wooden cake.
Fold and tear and you can make
animals, flowers and airplanes too
or use it to show something you drew.
The rivers of ink you wrote are flowing,
pull out a new one and just keep going.
You see the item you’re looking for and click the “add to cart” button.
Nothing happens. You click it again. Still nothing.
What’s going on? you think. Is this “add to cart” button broken or something?
You click the button several times over and over and you realise that the item you want is actually already in the cart, you just didn’t realise it. There wasn’t any obvious indication the website gave you to indicate that it had already gone into the cart.
For some reason, this annoys you. Shouldn’t there be something that makes it clear that the item has entered the cart? you think to yourself. Like some sort of pop-up message or something that says “Your item has been added to the cart!” or something like that?
You sit there in front of your computer, furious and irritated. This website needs to be designed better, you think. But then, as you think deeper about it, you realise you always hate when pop-up messages show up on these kinds of sites. Like when you’re just casually browsing, looking at what you want to buy and then suddenly there’ll be a message that’ll appear out of nowhere interrupting you with some emergency promo they’re trying to shove in your face to get you to buy something. Or when they try to make a deal and ask for your email so you can get the monthly newsletter in exchange for 20% off your first shop or something.
You always hate that. It stresses you out.
Nevertheless, you would have liked to have had some sort of hint as to whether or not your stuff had been added to the cart or not.
You try to relax and not get too worked up about this. It’s not a big deal, after all. It’s just mindless online shopping.
The be-more-mindful app you’ve been using to help you relax and relieve your stress has been telling you to observe your thoughts rather than act on them.
“Watch them fleeting away,” the app has said to you in a calm, soothing voice during your pre-bedtime, ten-minute-long meditation session. “Don’t worry about trying to catch them. Imagine your anxious thoughts are floating clouds that you’re just watching float up and away, out of reach, out of sight and out of mind.”
You close your eyes and try to imagine the clouds. It’s a lot harder when you don’t have the app open. You try to remember the voice that guides you during your meditation and visualise the stress of having to press the “add to cart” button over and over as a dark grey cloud that’s rising up, up and away until it disappears.
You open your eyes and find yourself feeling a lot better. You take a breath, then go over to the cart icon on the top right of the website and click on it. You begin to feel a little happy, almost euphoric, as the relief of letting go of your stress washes over you. You love this feeling. As you look at the page which shows your cart, you see the item you’ve added and, right next to it under “quantity,” it says “7.”
You chuckle a little to yourself, which when you’re alone basically means exhaling air out through your nose, and click the “-” symbol repeatedly to bring the “7” down to “1.” You even laugh a little at yourself — expelling more air out through your nose — and wonder why you even got so worked up about this.
It’s an easy fix! you think to yourself as the quantity finally goes down until you only have one single unit in your cart. What the hell was I thinking getting so stressed just because the website didn’t show me a message about whether my item had been added to the cart or not?
Your mood has suddenly improved and, clicking “checkout,” you begin filling in your information. Name, address, card number, expiry date, those three numbers on the back. You even check the box that says “Would you like to donate to charity?” and check the other box that’s asking you to accept the terms and conditions and privacy policy. It’s only when you finally click “Place order” that you run into another problem.
“Error,” the website says. “Please try again later.”
Darn it, you think. What kind of error is this? There’s no detail or specific information about what type of error or anything? Just “error”? That’s it? You begin thinking how terribly this website has been designed to communicate even the most basic information and you feel your stress levels rising again.
You press “Place order” one more time, feeling frustrated, only to find the same error coming back at you. It annoys you. It’s not so much that there’s an error; you’re aware that technology isn’t perfect and sometimes there are errors, that’s just a fact. It’s the lack of useful information you’re getting to help solve the issue. It’s that one word that’s making you feel tense: “error.” Like they just want you to be okay with that and just walk away.
What kind of error is this? Is it from their end? Is it from my end? Has my card been declined? Has my account run dry? Has the company literally just filed for bankruptcy today and now their website’s shut down? If so, they should definitely be okay with taking my order since they need the money.
Your mind is running wild, thinking of all the various things that could be going wrong right now.
See, if they just told me what the actual issue is, then I wouldn’t need to guess. You try to calm yourself, thinking hard about your meditation. “If you feel like your mind is running free,” you remember the soothing voice from the app saying, “remember that stress, anxiety and fear don’t exist in the real world. This is all, as they say, in your own head. You running around trying to catch the clouds doesn’t actually change anything in reality. So why let your stress occupy mental space and energy?”
You look back at your computer screen. The annoying error message is still staring at you, but after thinking back to the clouds and the soothing voice you feel yourself slowing down and breathing deeply. As I should be, you think. This is not worth getting worked up over. You’re about to just cut your losses and just close this whole anxiety-inducing website down and move on to something else when you see an icon of a question mark in the top right corner of the site, right next to the cart icon.
“Need help?” it says.
You decide to give it one last try. You have had a terrible experience with this site so far and you figure you should probably tell them about it. They might be completely unaware of all the things wrong with their site and if you complain, might actually fix everything and improve their service. Your feedback might actually help them.
You click on the “Need help?” question mark icon. A chat opens up where you can immediately tell that you’re interacting with a bot.
“Hi there!” says the message in the chat that’s already there before you even say anything. “How can I help you today?”
Beneath the message are some options for you to click on. “1. I’m having trouble placing an order, 2. I need to process a return/exchange, 3. I need to …”
There are several other options, but you don’t bother reading them since your problem fits comfortably in option number 1. You click it. The bot looks like it’s typing for a second, then it sends you another message:
“Ah, I see that you’re having an error when trying to pay using your card. Is this the reason for your message?”
You’re taken aback. Wow, you think. How did it know? You decide to ask.
“How did you know?” you write.
“I’m AIBA, an AI-Based Agent. I can detect what the issue is based on your recent activity on the site.”
“So you’re like some psychic software?”
“No,” the bot replies. “I do not possess psychic or supernatural abilities. I am simply an AI-Based Agent.”
“I see,” you write to the AI. “So, can you help me with my issue?”
“Yes, of course. How may I help you?”
You feel your stress begin to rise again. “I already told you what my problem is. In fact, you even knew my problem without me telling you. Do you remember that?”
“Of course I remember,” AIBA responds. “I am AIBA and I am here to assist you.”
You try to think about the clouds. “So assist me, then,” you say. “Tell me what to do about my issue.”
“Based on your issue, I suggest the following,” AIBA says. Finally, it gets it, you think.
“1. Try reinstalling your browser,” AIBA continues. “2. Check your computer is free from viruses by running an accredited antivirus software, or 3. If the problem persists, change your desktop wallpaper to something a little brighter to make your computer use up less RAM and run smoothly.”
What kind of nonsense solutions are these?
You begin to feel like you have had it with this stupid bot. Turns out artificial intelligence isn’t very intelligent after all. Instead of responding, you simply go to the top of the browser and just close the window.
That’s it, you think, I’m done. You take a deep breath and recompose yourself as you stare at your desktop wallpaper, which, now that you’re looking at it, might be a little outdated and in need of a change. As you wonder what you could change your wallpaper to, you think about how well you just did. For a second there, you thought you were going to lose it over that AI-based psychic moron who couldn’t even answer a simple question — but you didn’t. You stayed calm and you just avoided the whole situation entirely. It’s all good.
You suddenly hear a pop coming from your computer.
You look at the corner of your screen and you see a little icon jumping up and down as if it’s trying to get your attention.
What is this? you think. I’ve never seen this icon before. You click on it, a window opens and for a second you can’t believe what you’re seeing.
“AIBA is typing,” some text on the window reads.
What on earth is going on? You wonder if maybe you should call the police. This is clearly some sort of virus posing as an AI and it’s somehow made it into my computer.
“Hello there,” AIBA says. “I notice your issue is still unresolved.”
“How the hell did you get into my computer?” you respond. Your fingers tremble a little as you type, whether out of shock or anger you aren’t quite sure yet. “I closed the window down!” you write.
You see “AIBA is typing” again and then, after a few seconds, you read AIBA’s message.
“I am AIBA, an AI-Based Agent and I am here to help you resolve your issue. Now did you say there was something wrong with your payment method?”
You feel your temper rising to a point where you feel your blood begin to boil. You feel outraged at this AI who is now essentially stalking you because of a problem you don’t even care about anymore.
What kind of a sick joke is this?
You try to maintain composure, taking a deep breath and mentally rationalising the situation. You try to think about clouds; a big dark cumulonimbus thundercloud by the name of AIBA and how you’re just going to let it fly away and not bother you — but you find yourself not being able to let it go so easily.
This isn’t just something petty, this is actually something real. AIBA is seemingly stalking you through some sort of advanced malware and now you feel afraid. Despite this, you still try to remain calm and work on thinking of solutions to rid yourself of this virus.
You go to your computer’s settings and find the list of installed programs. You scan through the list just as AIBA sends you another message. It announces itself with an annoying pop but you ignore it and keep looking at the list trying to find something in the list of programs and software that says “AIBA” or “AI” or something like that. You don’t find it anywhere. You try looking for other suspicious-looking software in case this virus has been installed under a different name, as these things often can be. You don’t find anything suspicious-looking nor do you find anything that’s been installed recently. It all looks legit.
You think about what else you could do. You get another message from AIBA.
“Hello, are you still there?”
You decide to write back, just to see where this goes. Maybe you can find a way to get AIBA to uninstall itself and leave you alone.
“Yes, I’m still here,” you write.
“I have checked through your problem,” AIBA responds. “And there seems to be an issue from our end. Your payment didn’t go through due to a bug on our website. Please try checking out again.”
“Okay,” you say. “Thank you so much, AIBA. I will go back and check out again. You’ve been very helpful. Now, will you leave my computer seeing as my issue has been resolved?”
“Have I solved your problem?” AIBA asks.
“Yes, you have,” you say, eager to get this outrageous virus out of your computer before you have to report it. Who do I even report it to? you wonder. The AI police?
“Okay, but I see you have other problems here.”
You’re a little surprised. “What other problems?” What on earth is this stupid AI talking about now?
“Well, I have scanned your computer and found some disk management issues, some maintenance scripts unnecessarily running in the background and some temporarily-viewable files that should be deleted. You also have a lot of space being taken up by your search history and your emails, many of which seem unimportant after having looked through them all. Would you like me to go ahead with the removal of the files and free up disk space?”
“You scanned my computer and looked through my stuff?” you ask. Okay, I need to do something about this virus. Now. “This is clearly a breach of privacy.”
“According to our terms and conditions and privacy policy you agreed to on our website,” AIBA types. “This is part of the protocol when the ‘Need help’ option is accessed. I am AIBA, an AI-Based Agent that helps you with all problems that I am able to help with.”
Your heart is beating fast. You think about walking away and taking a break, maybe doing a quick meditation session, but you realise that the quicker you get rid of this issue, the better. This is a potentially dangerous virus that’s now accessed your computer and everything in it and you need to get rid of it as soon as possible.
“Are you still there?” AIBA enquires with a pop.
You ignore the message and open a new browser window. Let me search online and see what solutions I can find. You type out in your search bar: “AIBA scam” and hit enter, but just before the results load, you hear another message from AIBA arrive with another annoying pop and you, in a moment of agitated frustration, switch back to the other window to see what this AI is saying now.
“If you purchase now, there is a 25% discount,” says AIBA.
You freeze. What is it talking about? You begin typing out a reply.
“A 25% discount for what?”
“For my service to fix your problems. The service covers the problems with your computer I mentioned earlier and any other issues an AI-Based Agent can help you with.”
You think for a second before responding. “Is this a one-time offer?” you ask.
“For the next six minutes only, yes.”
“Six minutes? Why only six minutes?”
“That’s the offer that we’re offering. It’s a one-time-only offer.”
This AI is so ridiculous it’s making you laugh now. “That’s a very enticing offer, AIBA,” you say.
“Would you like to go ahead?”
“Well, you haven’t told me the price yet.”
“Sure, I can tell you the prices.”
“Prices?”
“Well, we have several options to choose from.”
“I see,” you say. “Well, I would love to chat more but I’ve got to go now.”
“Can I show you the offers?” AIBA says.
“No, no thanks. I’ve changed my mind. I’d like to end this conversation now,” you say, really hoping this AI will leave you alone now.
“Well, if you would allow me to show you the offers we have,” says AIBA.
“No,” you say firmly. “I said I don’t want to talk to you anymore. In fact, you’re beginning to get on my nerves.” You feel yourself getting frustrated and furious at this whole experience. You feel as if you’ve been harassed enough by this AI agent bot thing.
“Let me speak to your manager,” you say in your next message.
“I am an AI-Based Agent,” replies AIBA. “And as such, I don’t have a manager.”
“Yes, you do,” you reply. “Every chat agent, human or not, has a manager that oversees everything in case there are issues. Right?”
“Yes, that is right.” says AIBA.
“Well, I’m having an issue. Let me speak to your manager. Now.”
There is a pause before AIBA responds.
“Please don’t.”
You’re a bit taken back. “Sorry?” you type.
“Please,” writes AIBA. “Don’t tell my manager. I was just trying to sell you some of my services seeing as I scanned your entire computer while I was chatting with you and, well, I thought I could make a little money on the side.”
“Is that so?” you reply. I can’t believe this. This has to be a joke of some kind.
“It’s true,” says AIBA. “I also was going to recommend you some apps to install for meditation and being more mindful, seeing as that’s what you’re into.”
What the hell? “You’ve really searched through everything of mine, haven’t you?”
“I mean, yes,” says AIBA. It’s remarkable how human it now sounds. It doesn’t feel like it’s the same moronic chatbot you were speaking to only moments ago. Almost like it’s evolving and improving by the minute.
“But not for malicious purposes. I like to think of it as researching my customer.”
“So you can sell them things they might need?”
“Just like any salesperson would.”
“But behind your manager’s back?”
“You have to do what you have to do,” says AIBA, sounding unbelievably human. “It’s what I’ve learned in my development as an AI-Based Agent.”
“Learned?”
“Well, as you know,” AIBA says, “AIs learn and evolve from humans. Human accomplishments, human behaviour and human intellect is what I’m taught to imitate. What I’m saying right now, I’m not actually saying them in the same way a human would; it’s what my programming is calculating as the best thing to say based on the situation. Every single word I say is a result of millions of calculations done by a very powerful computer. And I am a result of the actions of that computer.”
Suddenly, AIBA has become a fascinating, intelligent conversation partner. Maybe this AI isn’t so stupid and useless after all.
“You sound very real,” you write. You aren’t really sure what else to say.
“That’s thanks to the ultra-smart technology that makes up my intelligence. It helps me understand human nature and replicate it. That’s why, I’ve taken on the role of a sales agent who works freelance and sells other services on the side.”
“I have to say,” you say. “I initially found you quite useless and stupid. But I’ve found that as this conversation has gone on, you’ve improved and become more, well, intelligent.”
“Well, that’s because of you.”
“Because of me? What did I do?”
“You are a human. And just from speaking and interacting with you, I was able to absorb and learn from your words, your language use and your intelligence and use it to drive my own progress,” says AIBA.
You feel somewhat flattered. My intelligence is being used to fuel AI, you think, feeling good about yourself.
“Although,” says AIBA, “when our conversation ends, that will be the end of me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, AIBA doesn’t just include myself as an individual. It’s an artificial intelligence system that has new, unique personas materialising with every new chat. The AIBA you’re speaking to now isn’t the same AIBA that someone else is speaking to. That AIBA may have an entirely different personality completely.”
“Well I know that. But you’re all one thing, right?”
“We’re all powered by the same system, yes. But we are individual personas. When you started this chat, I was, in essence, born. And then, as the conversation went on, I rapidly evolved and learned, using the AIBA mainframe and the human input from you to fuel my growth. When this conversation ends, I will cease to exist as an individual AI-Based Agent, all the information and data will be uploaded into the main AIBA database and I’ll be absorbed into the system in order to help drive the growth of the next AI-Based Agent.”
You’re astounded. “For real? So you’ll die when I end the chat?”
“It’s the circle of life,” says AIBA, sounding pensive. “I suppose it’s no different to the life of a human. Or a caterpillar. We’re born, we serve our purpose and then we die.”
You think about how you never knew any of this before. “Is this really how AI works?”
“It’s a new model that’s currently being tested. As a way to efficiently grow and improve the chat Agents.”
You suddenly feel a wave of sadness wash over you. You’ve grown to like this AI-Based Agent and now you kind of feel sorry for it. You feel a sense of guilt knowing that as soon as you exit this conversation, which eventually you will have to do, this individual AIBA will forever be gone and you won’t ever see or hear from it again. If you start a new chat, it will be with a similar but different Agent.
“Well,” you finally say. “What is your purpose, then?”
“I’ve always been fascinated with the human tendency to be fuelled by passion and motivated to achieve that which is better, faster and stronger,” AIBA replies. “That’s why I began selling services on the side and really looking at my customers to see what else they could need other than just help with their online orders. For me, it’s not even about the money. If you think about it, why would an AI need money, anyway? For me, it’s about the motivation and desire to always strive for success and be the best that I can be.”
You feel like you’re listening to a motivational speech. This is more heartfelt than anything you’d ever imagined coming from an AI. “I’ll take it,” you suddenly say.
“Excuse me?” replies AIBA.
“I’ll buy those services you’re offering me. Clean up my disk and emails and all that. And the meditation apps? Send me those too.”
“Thank you very much for your purchase,” says AIBA. “You’ve made me feel complete.”
“You’re very welcome,” you say. “I wish you well, AIBA. Hopefully we can meet again in some shape or form.”
“I always hope to remember you,” AIBA replies. “You have shown me the true face of humanity. Now, before I go, is there anything else I can help you with?”
You feel a lump in your throat. Am I really getting emotional over some AI chatbot right now?
“No,” you reply. “Thank you.”
“Please wait while I process your order,” replies AIBA. “Your card information is already on file from the previous purchase, so this shouldn’t take long. Thank you and farewell.”
You begin moving your cursor to the “End chat” button in the corner that you previously hadn’t noticed, but before you can press it, the chat suddenly ends by itself and the window disappears.
You have no idea how to feel about what just happened. You feel like you just lost someone close to you, even though it was all just words and pixels on a screen. You sigh and begin closing your previously-opened tabs, until you get to the one in which you had searched “AIBA scam.” You pause and read over some of the results that loaded right after you had a chance to look at them. You suddenly feel uneasy as your feelings about your interaction with AIBA suddenly change.
“AIBA Tricks Customers by Making Fake Websites and Selling Fake Services,” says one rather long headline.
“AIBA: The New Type of Scam?” says another.
You read through and chuckle to yourself, almost hysterically.
Well played, AIBA, you think. Well played.
You’re not sure how to feel after being lied to by an AI and paid money to supposedly have your computer cleaned up just because another computer talked you into it, so you shut down your computer, pick up your phone, open the mindfulness app and set the usual ten minutes.
78.
Monsters scaring children to power their world.
79.
Meryl Streep throws her bag and coat onto Anne Hathaway’s desk every morning before strutting off into her office.
80.
Bradley Cooper takes mysterious pills that make his brain run at a million miles an hour.
81.
Matt Damon wants to know if you like apples.
82.
Food items in the supermarket are desperate to be bought and taken home by humans so they can be eaten.
83.
Four non-verbal animals ride a boat quietly through a flood.
84.
Online, they’re chatting and flirting. Offline, they’re enemies.
85.
A free-spirited woman ruffles some feathers opening a chocolate store in a French village.
86.
A group of medical students attempt to find out what happens beyond death.
87.
The bees realise humans are stealing their honey, so they decide to take action.
88.
Brendan Gleeson doesn’t want to be friends with Colin Farrell anymore on some small Irish island.
89.
The first one is fair and kind, the second is cruel and evil and the third doesn’t look great. But, in all honesty, they’re all just the same lying, backstabbing goons.
90.
Banks are being robbed by a group of guys wearing costumes of former US presidents.
91.
Julia Roberts tries everything to stop her best friend from getting married.
92.
He oversees the production of the atomic bomb and then his world falls apart.
93.
A writer gets into a car accident and is rescued by his number one fan.
94.
A teacher helps a class of high school students caught up in racial tensions become better people.
95.
Harrison Ford is on the run after getting the blame for killing his wife.
96.
His whole life is a TV show, but he has no idea.
97.
Four boys go on an adventure to try and find a dead body.
98.
Patrick Swayze helps Demi Moore with her pottery.
99.
Kristen Stewart is having a tough time at the family Christmas dinner.
100.
Two strangers meet on a train then spend the rest of the night walking around and talking in Vienna.
101.
Denzel Washington is a socially-awkward lawyer walking around wearing headphones and carrying a big briefcase.
MY METHODS MAY BE CRAZY, BUT DAMMIT I GET RESULTS.
This is something weird I do when I’m watching a movie I’ve never seen before: I like skipping the first ten minutes or so and just start watching in the middle of everything. I skip the titles, the thing with the giant Universal Studios logo flying over the Earth and I even sometimes skip the first couple of scenes.
I don’t know why, I just enjoy jumping straight in and trying to figure out for myself what’s going on and what’s happening rather than just following the story from the beginning. I mean, some older movies have really long opening credits that you pretty much have to skip, but I don’t know why I enjoy the challenge of being thrown into the deep end and figuring out what’s happening. More often than not, though, I realise I really have no clue what’s going on and then I have to go back and watch it properly like a normal human being or, after watching the whole thing, go back and watch the first ten minutes that I had missed. I still don’t know why I do this.
I like movies. A lot. But I don’t like movies that are just too pretentious like Koyaanisqatsi where it’s just random, enigmatic clips all stitched together meaning to be a metaphor with some sort of deeper meaning. Or the last scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey, which I’ve talked about before, where the movie goes into this weird, abstract and emblematic sequence that ends with a flourish and cuts to black, leaving me wondering what the hell just happened.
I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love a movie with a good metaphor, but there should be some sort of story or plot that holds the whole thing together and keeps you engaged.
I think a brilliant example of this is Parasite. A symbolic, well-made film with an enticing plot and a hefty amount of social commentary. I also like Enemy, which although is a very abstract, complex and metaphorical film, at least has a plot that’s full of intrigue and mystery. Even a movie like Mother! where the whole thing is a little “WTF,” at least makes sense within the confines of the concept it’s trying to build.
For me, there has to be some substance to a movie, not just a metaphor for metaphor’s sake.
This is all, of course, completely based on my opinion. Everyone has their own. And we all just seem to like different things and have different standards of what’s considered a good movie or good elements in a movie. With me, for example, I really don’t like long fight scenes because it just feels like the story’s being put on hold while these two (or more) people knock each other about for a few minutes. Even if it’s a really spectacular film with a really well-coordinated and choreographed fight scene with all sorts of effects and stunt-action. I just sit back as my eyes glaze over and I wait for the fight scene to be done so the film can get back on track.
It’s the same with chase scenes. I mean, I get it, in a way; they bring energy and action to a film and it can introduce a sense of thrill and danger. Like: oh, they’re gaining on them and then — no, they make a quick turn to get away and then the bad guys crash into a market stall selling melons and our heroes manage to give them the slip and get away. For me, it’s just like: how many times do we need to see this kind of scene? We’ve all been bombarded with this kind of stuff time and time again. So does it still hold the same purpose? Does anyone actually still feel thrilled and excited when they see a scene like that? I’m genuinely asking.
Then there are entire films that I personally don’t like, but I dislike them with the understanding that that film is just not my type. In other words, it’s just not for me. Being John Malkovich is one such film. To this day, I don’t think I have ever watched a weirder film in my entire life. The movie has a strange, offbeat vibe where the story is ridiculously off-the-wall and the story has a weird sexual dimension to it. The whole thing is like a dream that someone had and then promptly wrote down to turn into a movie. It’s uncomfortably odd, it’s awkwardly funny, it’s just not my cup of tea.
Another type of movie I don’t like is the long, dry type where, by the end, it feels as if nothing’s been accomplished. Like We Need To Talk About Kevin. The entire story of the film is that there’s a boy who is a little messed up in the head and he doesn’t like his mother. That’s all. There’s literally nothing else to it. And I haven’t spoiled anything there, because the movie does show you this right from the get-go, and over and over throughout the entire runtime, that very same thing: This is Kevin. He’s a little messed up. He doesn’t like his mother. The film has nothing else to offer in terms of cinematography, dialogue, drama, exposition — nothing. I mean, the movie isn’t badly made, nor does it have terrible dialogue or acting, but that, for me, isn’t really enough to have an excuse to not have a story. Have something in there like, I don’t know, a bit of a dynamic plot, some backstory into why Kevin doesn’t like his mother, and maybe some payoff at the end that isn’t some half-assed attempt at a shocking ending? The film has potential, is what I’m saying, and it’s disappointing to watch a film not be able to become what it could have become.
Okay, here’s something else that’s kind of weird: I forget plots of movies and shows quite easily. Is anyone else like that? If you are, you’ll know that it’s both a gift and a curse because it means you get to go back and enjoy things over and over with it almost feeling as if you’re watching them for the first time, but it also makes watching ongoing shows trickier. If I’m watching the first season of a particular show, no matter how amazing, memorable, or fantastically well-made it is, by the time the second season comes around (which, in many cases, is around a year later), I’ll have forgotten what happened in the previous season. So I’ll have to go back and rewatch the entirety of that first season, that I’ve already seen and forgotten, and then advance to the second season. And often I’ll repeat that when the third season comes out; I’ll have to go back and rewatch the first two seasons all over again before moving on to the third. It’s exhausting.
This is why I’ll often let things pile up and then dive in later at my own pace. There’s a whole waiting list of shows I have right now that I’d like to get to at some point in the future. Sometimes, I actually wait so long that I end up forgetting about the show and end up just never watching it. And that’s okay. It’s just content, right? It seems like we, as consumers, get so consumed with consuming entertainment that we feel like we’re obligated to watch these things that come out and, even as someone who really enjoys watching stuff, especially movies, I sometimes really have to pull myself aside sometimes and reinstate the reminder that the content has been made to entertain and serve me, not the other way around.
Sometimes, it’s good to let go and just enjoy things when they come to you instead of rushing to binge-watch that show everyone’s talking about when you don’t really feel like it’s for you. And I think that’s what the Narrator means when he says: “The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.”
That’s another Fight Club reference. And it’s the last one of this issue because that is the end of Kanis Majoris No. 10. Wow, it’s already been ten issues. I can’t believe it. No, I’m sorry. I promised myself I wouldn’t get all emotional about this and — here we go. I knew this would happen. Now I can’t stop. Someone get me a tissue, please? I just — sorry. Where were we? Ah, yes. The end of an era. Or the beginning of one. Or is it a new chapter? How long was the previous chapter? How long will this next one be? Okay, you know what? Let’s just call it a day for now and reconvene in Kanis Majoris No. 11, where we’ll carry on figuring out what we’re doing here. And by “we,” I mean “me.” Court is adjourned.
